“When I first met him, he was an angel. He treated me like a princess. He gave me money and took really good care of me. He was my ideal type. Two years into this relationship though, he became violent.”
“Air”, 36, a bus conductor in Bangkok, recounts her traumatic relationship with her former husband over 10 years ago, during which she endured violence and unwanted sexual engagement.
“There was no way out for me, because I couldn’t tell anyone. It was me who chose the wrong person, and I blamed myself for that.”
She revealed her experience during the “Workshop for the Media to Promote a Culture of Sexual Consent Communications”, co-organised by Chulalongkorn University, the Thai Journalists Association and UNESCO.
-Struggling in a toxic relationship-
Air recalled moments when she was abused by her former husband, who was also a bus conductor. The violence was fuelled by his alcohol addiction and later drug use because of who he was hanging around with, which dramatically upset their relationship.
Abuse after abuse, Air stayed, believing that her loyalty and kindness towards her then-husband would eventually improve the situation. She tried to fulfil her duties, putting food on the table — including beer — while also putting up with his demands.
“He demanded everything. For example, whenever he came back home, he would ask for beer, and it was automatically my duty, as a wife, to please and serve him what he wanted. I didn’t want to have any problems, so I kept quiet.”
Their relationship inevitably deteriorated though.
The kind gentleman she first met turned into a monster, who is furious, selfish and always jealous of her, to the point where he attempted to monitor her phone calls.
Some arguments even escalated into breaking up the furniture in the house, including a TV screen and a fridge, which Air had bought with her own money.
The more she kept quiet, the more abusive he became. Worst of all, she said she was forced to have sex with him, even in the middle of an argument.
“He’s hot-tempered, while I tried to be calm and be patient,” she explains. “No matter what I did for him, it was not worth it. It reached a point where I used to ask myself, ‘What did I do wrong’, or ‘Am I not good enough?’”
During the three years with her former husband, Air endured various forms of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Whenever she was abused, she had to make her way to hospital by herself to get cuts on her forehead or her lips stitched. She even had to dope herself up with painkillers to ease her suffering.
“I was too scared to tell anyone. I asked my mom for advice, but she said ‘You’re the one who chose him, so I can’t help you. If you love yourself enough, then walk away,’” she says.
Even so, Air says she refused to file a report with the police, as she was too embarrassed, especially in front of her family and neighbours.
“I didn’t want to call the police because I didn’t want this to get big,” she said. “I was embarrassed, because I was too scared to step out of this relationship, which was not what I dreamed of.”
When her relationship became too much to endure, Air almost hung herself, hoping to end the misery, but she was too scared to end her own life — because of her son.
Her biggest turning point came when she decided to live separately from her former husband for a month. She later returned, hoping his behaviour would improve, but things turned even uglier.
Another argument erupted to the point where he stabbed her thighs and attempted to rape her. Air realised that they could no longer stay together as husband and wife. Most of all, he had ruined everything she had built with her own savings and she understood that he would never regret any of his actions.
“He thinks highly of himself. He is very self-absorbed and he thinks he is always right. Even if he engaged in sexual relationships with other women, he could still twist the story to blame me.”
That was when she decided to file a report with the police and sought legal advice and emotional support from the Women and Men Progressive Movement Foundation, with the help of her mother.
-Thai law must be victim-centric and media must educate people about sexual consent-
Domestic violence, including sexual abuse, remains a persistent problem in Thailand. Yet not all victims come forward to seek help or take legal action against offenders.
Thailand’s Women and Men Progressive Movement Foundation found that, out of 1,086 news stories about domestic violence in 2023, 39.9% were stories of abuse, especially between husband and wife. 35.7% ended in murder, 19.6% in suicide and 4.2% were sexual abuse.
Of sexual violence alone, 194 news stories were recorded in 2023:
- 44.3% rape
- 20.1% sexual assault
- 11.4% verbal sexual harassment
- 7.2% sexual abuse between men
- 6.2% attempted rape
- 4.6% gang rape
- 2.1% sexual abuse involving minors
Most sex offenders are people who victims know well, such as teachers, neighbours, ex-boyfriends or family members.
Angkana Intasa, of the Women and Men Progressive Movement Foundation explains the issues preventing victims from speaking up. One is the power dynamic between the victim and the abuser, leading to a fear of retaliation. This aligns with Air’s personal observation that her ex-husband’s mind set was based in patriarchy.
Another problem is the victim-blaming, which makes the abused too embarrassed or humiliated to ask for help.
“So when it’s a husband-and-wife relationship, or whether they’re dating or not, it’s the feeling that they are powerless,” Angkana explains, adding “It’s also the fear that they would get back at them, with threats of murder or acid attacks. This prevents women from seeking legal advice to press charges against the abusers.”
Naiyana Supapung of the Foundation for SOGI Rights and Justice also noted that Thai law places too much emphasis on evidence and the specific details of how the victim was abused, shifting the burden of proof onto the victim.
The most glaring issue, she pointed out though, is the belief that domestic violence or sexual abuse within a family is a personal matter that can be resolved internally. While social perception about sexual abuse has somewhat improved, the law, which still prioritises settlement between offender and victim, has not changed.
“What I really want to see is a legal mechanism that is more sensitive towards (sexual abuse) victims,” Naiyana explains, adding that they shouldn’t bear the burden of proving the case.
“To overcome that fear or embarrassment to call the police and seek help already takes a lot of courage. No one has to question further to prove whether what they said was real. It’s the legal procedures that must provide justice.”
While many agree that the perceptions of victims of domestic and sexual violence still need to change, it is undeniable that the media has contributed to the victim-blaming.
Chanettee Tinnam, a lecturer at the Faculty of Communication Arts at Chulalongkorn University, and an active gender-equality researcher, describes sexual and gender-based violence as only the “tip of the iceberg”, with root causes, such as power dynamics, traditional beliefs and upbringing barely discussed.
Despite that, she feels the Thai media has placed too much emphasis on the existing relationship between victims and abusers, often leaning towards victim-blaming.
“News reports often put the blame on sexual abuse victims, framing stories as if the victims ‘agreed’ to put themselves in that situation, or that the victim was already in a relationship with the offender beforehand,” she explains.
While she hopes the Thai media will shed more light on the hidden causes, another aspect the media should educate their audiences about is sexual consent.
As Chanettee explains, sexual consent is more than a protective measure against harassment or abuse. It is a modern framework for the media and society to promote a safe “consent culture” for all genders. She also believes that more training and workshops to educate journalists about sexual consent will help raise awareness.
“Societies that truly value and respect the dignity of human beings are societies that place importance on sexual consent education,” says Chanettee.
-Always love yourself first-
Eventually, Air did seek help. The police ordered her former husband not to interfere with or harass her again. Luckily, he agreed, and both have gone their separate ways.
But it took her a year to heal and regain her strength. Her encouragement came from her son, who had witnessed much of the domestic violence, and she no longer wanted him to carry the trauma she had endured. Another source of strength was her mother, who told her that everything depended on herself.
“After I decided to love myself, as my mom had told me, everything got better,” Air explains. “It might be hard at first, but after leaving that relationship, it was a breath of fresh air.”
Now, she is in a healthy relationship with her new husband, with whom she has lived for the past seven years. She describes this relationship as full of understanding, respect and, most importantly, free of abuse.
As for her advice as a survivor of domestic violence, she confidently says everyone should love themselves first. She also suggests that having financial independence provides more opportunities in life.
“It all depends on you,” Air concluded. “If you love yourself enough, you will realise that those who truly love you will never abuse you, no matter what.”
